January 20, 2011
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Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 5
Tuesday: Its early, I recently woke up, I’m scouring the Huffington Post and finishing up the burnt coffee I was given by food services here. An uncomfortable man with neatly parted hair and a round face comes in to my room with a yellow gown and plastic gloves. He does the usual once-over, check my heart, lungs asks me all those stupid questions about my bowel movements, tells me to have a good day and leaves. Then my nurse comes into check my vitals, with a gown and gloves on. THREE HOURS PASS. And the Podiatry team are the ones to happen to break to me that I have MRSA.
Yup. No one told me why those gowns were on, or why the gloves were on. Turns out I was being quarantined. So anytime anyone wanted to come in here they had to pretty much wear a hazmat suit and treat me like I’m E.T.
If you don’t know what MRSA is, it sucks. Its the trendy new staph infection though. I am on the cusp of something big. Its like being a fan of Vampire Weekend when they just had an EP at Columbia. I have MRSA in early 2011. This thing is a bitch. One in every one hundred people carry it but aren’t sick. It hides in the sand, on door handles and waits to eat you. Luckily its only open wounds and orifices where you can contract it.
So, then I’m told that the surgery is going to happen today. So that last sip of coffee is the last thing I can put in my body besides water. Till 5, maybe 7 or even 9 for surgery. The wait begins. I read, I play tetris, I do a crossword, I call friends. My family comes. At 6:45 I’m told that there is an emergency appendectomy and I’ve been bumped till tomorrow.
FUCK!
My mother and Marky go down and buy me a steakbomb. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Thanks to that meal I had my first real solid shit since I came here. Every other one looked like the coffee grounds dumpster at Dunkin’ Donuts.
The quarantining gets better, they move me to a secluded room and tell me I can’t leave for any reason. And still with the E.T. gear for my guests too. Luigi did pop his head in and say hi on his day-off, made my day to be honest.
When I first came to this place I didn’t think I’d even be writing episode 3 let alone episode 5, 6, 7 and 8. Its absurd the communication breakdown that exists, and not the cool Led Zeppelin kind. I must just got stuck in the mix. I’m not a crazy, not that sick person who feels he deserves undivided attention and I’m not a critical patient either who really does need that attention. I’m just a pleasant person with an unfortunate injury and I have to suffer because of that. It may not be fair, but maybe that’s just life. Unless you’re an asshole and make a scene (John Boehner, Wolf Blitzer, Keith Olberman, Glenn Beck) you won’t get immediate help, but I personally think in the end I’ll end up better for it.
NEXT TIME on…Le Hospital. (A Serial.) Will I get kidnapped by my friend, put in a bike and fly past the moon to get away from the feds so I can go back home??? Will I get bumped again with my surgery??? Does my MRSA spread and cause a major breakout in the hospital??? And will I ever go back home??? All this and more in the NEXT EPISODE of Le Hospital. (A Serial.)!!!!!!!
