November 6, 2010
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Bruce.
A great new comedy club owner in Worcester, Dan Smith of Wisecracks Comedy, asked Doug Guertin, Nick Chambers, John Baglio and I to perform a special show at place delightfully named: The English Social Club.
When I told my father about where the show was tonight he non-chalantly said there may have been a dumpster baby found there. And while the name of this establishment sounds like an 80’s new wave band that went on tour with New Order, it had such connotations to that whatsoever. It was one of those classy joints where you walk up to a giant metal bomb shelter door where you either have a special card you slide in or you ring a doorbell and someone may let you in.
When I arrive I’m introduced to the bartender and maybe President of the “club.” He’s an old Italian man with of those fedora hats you can buy at Target and two hearing aides. I look around the room and there are signs everywhere one of my favorites being a “Jello Shots” sign looked to be made by the bartender’s grandson with a Sharpie and blue and orange highlighters. There was also a sign advertising for the night saying there was a “COMDEY NIGHT.” And another reminding us that “Any person found using or selling drugs in the club or on the premises will be immediately suspended indefinately.” Yes, I’m glas we both realize indefinitely was spelled wrong. Now when you are in a place that has to remind you that you can’t be doing that sort of thing you know you’re in trouble.
This also one of the few places in the Northeast where you can still smoke a cigarette inside. Including a guy who I think lost his jaw chewing tobacco, so now, obviously, he smokes cigarettes.
Another man was there, who was “so drunk that when he first came is he almost took his clothes off,” said Dan. Turns out this man’s name was Bruce and Bruce didn’t want us to tell him any jokes he just wanted to talk to us. Now as comics we all have those terrible heckler stories. Before last night, mine was when I did a comedy competition in Boston and the only person in the room other than the staff was the drunkest person in recent history and I ended up singing songs with him onstage. There was also that incident with Roscoe… but Bruce surpassed those because it wasn’t just me it was all of us.
Doug Guertin hosted and did a fantastic job. He did all his family being alcoholics jokes first and kept Bruce at bay. But as soon as he was done for everything Doug said Bruce either answered or talked over. Doug goes into brilliant little bit about voting for a homeless vet because he had the best sign in the election. The kicker in the joke is that his campaign, like Obama’s, was also run on change. Everyone laughs there’s a nice little pause and then this fucktard blurts out “Who that nigger?”
Sitting next to me is Nick Chambers. A funny comic, a great artist and a very good friend. He also happens to be BLACK. Now I don’t accept those kinds of words coming out of anyone to begin with. As a teacher that’s the first word that everyone gets written up for when they say it in class. So even if Nick was there I was going to be royally pissed, but the fact he knew that Nick was there and that he was the only black guy in the place really put the heat on every one’s ass in that room.
I was next. I just did a 6 minute story about how I shit myself in the Greendale Mall in Worcester once. And despite Bruce interrupting on occasion, it went over pretty smoothly. He even pounded it with me when my set was over, onstage.
Nick was next. And you could see felt defeated from the start.
“What do I even say to you guys? We have nothing in common! I have an iPod and you have 48s.”
“They’re called 45s,” someone else that wasn’t Bruce called out.
“That’s my point exactly!”
He went on to talk to Bruce and try and make some jokes. In his 8 minute set he got 2 one liners off. That was it. The rest of the time it was Bruce making non-sequiturs towards Nick.
John Baglio then came on. I think he handled Bruce the best.
“I want to thank you Bruce.”
“Why?” he calls out.
“Because usually I’m a pretty timid guy and you broke me out of my shell to tell you how terrible you are.”
John was actually able to tell us some of his material, but honestly, some of his best stuff was towards Bruce.
Dan came on last. Now Dan has been doing comedy for 16 years and is about to be going on his 22nd USO Comedy Tour for the troops. Dan decides to not say a single word from his set and just shit on Bruce and eventually the entire room. It was painful for the crowd. But glorious for us comics.
Dan made Bruce very angry, insulted his Bruce’s father about serving in the Navy for 28 years in Puerto Rico. He got under his skin and made the room very uncomfortable. He then bopped around the room to every other straggler in the joint and had at them. He started talking to a woman who was Cajun and from Louisiana and you couldn’t understand a single thing she said. “Can we get this woman a Speak-N-Spell? Because I can’t understand one fucking thing she’s saying.”
Immediately following Dan came up to us.
“We’re all packing up and leaving together, just in case someone wants to kick our ass.”
We did so, but not after recieving hugs from Bruce and a picture with him where he took out his tooth too. We look like a D.A.R.E. poster for meth. If you go on my Facebook you can see that fantastic photo.
I hated and loved that night, last night. It was another reason I love doing what I’m doing. And that have such funny friends to share it with.
Fuck Bruce Cote.
