December 2011
1 post
Muppets.
This is why the Muppets are still important. It’s not because when I saw they were making a new movie I quite literally shrieked and my brother asked me who stepped on my hand (I guess that’s how I react to phalange harm). Or when I asked a girl out my next question was if she wanted to be apart of my third experience of watching the film. Or when I ask people if they saw it and they...
November 2011
2 posts
Zuccotti.
It’s funny looking at Thanksgivings past and sensing the tense mood around the appetizers and dinner table. Whether it was after September 11th or when we began to occupy Afghanistan and Iraq or when Al Gore won, but actually lost the Presidential election or when George W. Bush was farting democracy away or when Barack Obama made history. Or even that time when I was 13 and our aunts asked...
Quarter 1.
Come this Friday I have officially taught for my first 5 weeks as the 10th grade Inclusion teacher. I am going to write my assessment of myself as a reflection and a report card, like the ones I will be handing out to my students next week.
Grade: 80
Conduct: B-
Effort: A
Notes:
Shaun while a diligent worker, doesn’t seem to understand the tasks at hand. He at times seems lost within...
October 2011
2 posts
Rory.
In lieu of two great former students losing their lives in a senseless hit and run accident and another being put in the ICU for severe injuries I felt it was necessary for myself and maybe for others to read about experiences.
I’ve noticed that the best way for me to teach or express or cope is through experience. The way I see it is that your emotions are like that chart your teacher has...
Coupons.
After discussing with my students who work at Supermarkets and seeing my roommate compulsively watch “Extreme Couponing,” I decided I had to share my life and times working as a bagger, with a college degree.
I was lucky enough to even find a job when I received my degree from Bridgewater State. While I was working towards getting those last 6 credits a semester after I was projected...
September 2011
1 post
Field Hockey.
I am currently the Junior Varsity Field Hockey coach for the school I am working at. And so far, I have really fallen in love with the job.
What does this ass know about field hockey, you ask? Well to let you know I played for a whole 3 weeks my freshman year and got pretty damn good. I joined the squad because A). I could, thank you Title IX. B). I thought it was a funny idea. C). I thought I...
July 2011
1 post
Bocock.
A man named Brian Bocock plays professional baseball in Triple AAA for the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs. He used to date a cousin of mine. They dated for 5 years. They were best friends and were very happy together. While on the road playing minor league baseball, he broke up with, via a text message. Kind of a dirtbag thing to do, right? He then got engaged about 2 months later to a girl my cousin and...
June 2011
2 posts
Jumanji.
It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon to evening. I took my best friend Caitlin Vitalo to dinner at the Flying Rhino here in sunny, sunny Worcester. She the spinach mozzarella panini, I the Mahi burger. We sat outside, the steady traffic of Shrewsbury St. in our ears, a former classmate, Kat, our bubbly waitress. We sat and chatted, drank our Miller Lights and eavesdropped on four mothers talking...
Boston Comic Con.
Two weekends ago I ventured into deepest parts of the Hynes Convention Center and stumbled upon what I presumed to be an absurdly geek-tastic experience and ended up being an actual kick-ass time.
Sunday May 1st was the last day of Boston’s Comic Book Convention. I went with my usual adventure partner in crime Derek Ring, a comic book aficionado and artist, and he warned me how bad it could...
April 2011
4 posts
16.
I found this short story I wrote when I was 16:
“This is something I have to do!” Clarence said. His arms held tight to the wall behind him.
“Clarence you don’t have to do anything,” his mother was calling from down below. She rolled her eyes after stating this, it seemed as though she was more worried with him being idiotic than in danger.
Clarence opened his...
MRSA.
Yes. Its back again.
I have it in my nose.
My nose now looks like a smurfs, but red.
It feels like I’ve been punched repeatedly in the nose.
The meds I’m taking are turning me into a science project.
One of the warnings are, “Don’t lie down 10 minutes after taking this pill.”
Another, “This pill will stain your contact lenses.”
The same one also...
Boxing Conspiracy.
The Telegram and Gazette reports that the fight, which was supposed to happen yesterday, has been bumped to May 20th…
Jeremy Shulkin is clearly scared and had them move it. This wasn’t about licenses and medical exams, this was fear seeping from this poor man’s Nick Kotsopoulos. Grow a pair Jeremy, Jesus.
I would like to thank Worcester Magazine for posting my interview...
March 2011
5 posts
Boxing.
Alright. What’s going on?
Worcester Magazine, are you serious? I feel like I’m watching “The Fighter” right now. Jeremy is Christian Bale’s character, strung-out, disgusting, seedy and just plain sad. And the Worcester Magazine staff are Melissa Leo’s character. They love him no matter what, no matter how pathetic and sorry his existence is.
A). I’m...
Letter.
This is the beginning of my trash talking for April 9th at the Palldium, where I will be taking on 5 time D-Bag Jeremy Shulkin.
A letter to the Editor:
I would like to start this open-minded and thoughtful letter first to express my gratitude to The Worcester Magazine, its staff, sponsors and readers. This letter does not concern you. The paper itself is great, showing a balance of the public...
Boxing.
Today begins my training. On April 9th, I will be taking on Senior Writer at the Worcester Magazine Jeremy Shulkin.
I will be updating this everyday with my training regiment. Pulling no punches, PUN INTENDED.
So that means if I went to work ate a sandwich, came home ate some cheese and watched “21 Jump Street” on Netflix I will let you know.
I plan on making some days ridiculous...
Wrap-up.
Friday I chapperoned my high school’s dance. I saw so many Forever 21 dresses and sweaty palms.
There were two types of situations on the dance floor: sex and awkward. I don’t know if anyone knows this but the newest dance craze is called penetration. This is the closest thing to late-night “Showtime” soft-core porn. At points, legs were in the air and butts were moving up...
Dancing.
Community is a word that is constantly thrown around now on the political stage. “Community” meetings, “community” protests, “community” speeches, and “community” leaders. Its a way to legitimize and give the issue a more wholesome feel for a much larger and cut-throat issue.
The school I teach at has Community in its name. And despite the issues...
February 2011
1 post
BLU.
There are certain nights. There are, nights can just be certain. They happen and you understand why. They are certain.
This was not certain. This was unplanned, off the cuff and totally absurd.
The night starts normally drinks with Derek (abnormalbrain.com). Discussions of politics, relationships and how cool Kojak really was. The setting opens at Nick’s Bar and Cabaret on Millbury St....
January 2011
9 posts
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 7 -THE FINAL...
Thursday: The night before I was told that my surgery was going to be at 4PM. So I was going to be fasting for 14 hours. I wake up, and I hear strange news. I am told that my surgery will be at 10AM. I’m ecstatic.
On the way to the OR my transport nurse is a man named Jim. The way he talks about working at the hospital is when you go to a shelter to hear stories of what the war was like....
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 6
Wednesday: This is day is a wash. I’m burnt out, tired, going stir crazy stuck in one room. I start to sing out loud, a lot. My favorites were Temptations songs: “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg”, “Since I Lost My Baby”, “I Want a Love I Can See.” I get more reading done, my computer is my hands so I can start writing this series and play lots and lots of...
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 5
Tuesday: Its early, I recently woke up, I’m scouring the Huffington Post and finishing up the burnt coffee I was given by food services here. An uncomfortable man with neatly parted hair and a round face comes in to my room with a yellow gown and plastic gloves. He does the usual once-over, check my heart, lungs asks me all those stupid questions about my bowel movements, tells me to have a...
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 4
Monday: Kick off a brand new day with three visits. My resident doctor a timid man who really felt absolutely horrible about what was going on, so much so that he tried to high-five me and then gave up half way through and awkwardly shook my hand. It was cute. Then there was Kevin and Jen my Podiatrists. They are awesome, and feel equally as terrible about my situation partly because they are only...
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 3
Sunday: Big day for New England sports fans. The New England Patriots will confidently stroll into their home field, with their football Jesus: Tom Brady and try to re-create their 45-3 win over their biggest rivals the New York Jets. The buzz on my floor is loud, partly because the pacemakers, ekgs, respirators, feeding tubes and blood pressure machines all have that low hum to it, but also...
Le Hospital. (A Serial.) -Episode 2
Saturday: Pilot episodes always suck, there is too much exposition and introductions. It’s like when you show up early to a party and the first hour sucks: you’ve covered the school/work/hometown/small facts of what you were told conversations, awkward yet unavoidable. This is more of a set-up, with quips and descriptions of my surroundings. Then just like LOST or any other serial...
Le Hospital. (A Serial.)
You ever get new shoes, and then get a blister on your foot somewhere because of them? Yeah, we all do.
Monday: I had one that was really sore on my heel where the top of my new work shoes meets my skin. I had a callus there from wearing shoes in the past and the blister was under that.
Tuesday: I ignore it and it grows and becomes a little worse. The redness around it makes it more sore and I...
Callie.
I had a most interesting conversation with one of my students last week.
My first half dozen encounters with her she was a little shit to me. I was covering for a History Class after the teacher’s mother died and she would give me attitude about doing her work and treated me as though I had an extra chromosome. She would walk out of class, or curse while in there, or just be loud and...
Happenings.
As the school’s primary substitute teacher there are times where all of our employees collectively decide they can actually put up with the youth of tomorrow and my job gets stretched thin.
I can have number of tasks like: hall duty, classroom coverage, lunch duty, library duty, printer fixer, essay checker, PSAT proctor or crossword doer.
Tuesday I was stuck with my most dreaded duty:...
December 2010
1 post
Class.
I’m teaching as we speak.
These kids are awesome.
It’s quiet. It’s weird.
I’ve already been insulted on my Christmas sweater…
Friday I have to perform 10-15 minutes of stand-up for the faculty at the Holiday party, I hope I keep my job.
(Fingers crossed.)
Yesterday I had another classic run-in with a student.
Its a Biology class. There are 24 Sophomores in...
November 2010
5 posts
New Monologue.
(We are in the DOCTOR’S office but it is just a desk and chair with a chair opposite this set. CAITLIN is in chair, despondent. Remember, intensity.)
DOCTOR
Caitlin? Caitlin I know you don’t want to talk. But we’re going to have to eventually. We’re going to have to talk about why you’re here and why you’re behaving the way you’re behaving. Caitlin? I’m an unbiased proponent in your life. I am...
Sub.
So as I have mentioned I am now the building substitute for a Worcester Public School. And it is perfect for me now, the hours, the kids, the reward, the pay, material!
Its great. I’ve made great friends with some of the teachers and student teachers there and have been able to build some great relationships with the students there as well.
The kids are hilarious. Whether on kid pretends...
Rap.
Today I was substituting for a Sophomore US History class today.
A group of the kids didn’t want to participate in the assignment at hand and have a freestyle contest.
Some of the kids had some decent lines including his gem:
“Kid, stop you have no life/You couldn’t get laid even by your wife.”
But this one specific kid Paul, could not for the life of him get the...
Bruce.
A great new comedy club owner in Worcester, Dan Smith of Wisecracks Comedy, asked Doug Guertin, Nick Chambers, John Baglio and I to perform a special show at place delightfully named: The English Social Club.
When I told my father about where the show was tonight he non-chalantly said there may have been a dumpster baby found there. And while the name of this establishment sounds like an...
Sanity and/or Fear.
I haven’t been on here in a month. I have had plenty to say, but no time to say it.
I have started substitute teaching at South High Community School in Worcester, MA.
I haven’t been scared or threatened like everyone jokes to me when I tell them I work there.
I have had the best time working there so far though.
I want to share my month experience there so far, but there is a far...
September 2010
5 posts
Monday.
Last night, after my show (The Sexiest Show in Town.) my friend Derek and his brother Pete met an impressive rambler, a great conversationalist, a player, a dancer, and probably one of the most honest people I have ever met. It was all the same person.
I have seen this woman, numerous times towards the end of my show. Maybe she was there during, I don’t know. But she approached me last...
CHAT.
I have subjected myself to Facebook chat.
I guess that’s what a crush does.
In light of this I want to have a long overdue Q&A with my brain:
ME: Thanks so much for this one, you’re tough to get a hold of.
BRAIN: You’re welcome. I’m shaking my leg now.
M: What?
B: I’m now biting my nails on my right hand. It’s the way I control your ADHD.
M:...
Bridgewater, Virginia.
Driving around the country makes you feel open, free and to be completely honest: gassy, seriously, Cracker Barrel gets to you.
I am currently in Mt. Vernon, Illinois, listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRt8wBT9Fj0. Yup just like it is a regular song. Because it is that catchy and dare I say, uplifting?
This trip, so far, has been amazing. The trip I am referring to is the one...
August 2010
4 posts
Knife.
I’m not even going to set this one up. I’ll tell you exactly what happened right off the bat. I had a knife pulled me, while on stage, at a Biker BBQ.
A best friend of mine, Corey Graves calls me at 5:30 on Saturday August 21:
“Hey dude Eddie asked me to do this Biker BBQ, are you in?”
The Eddie that Corey speaks of is a comedian who says he isn’t a comedian,...
Eddy returns.
I haven’t been able to work the past couple of days because of my unfortunate surgery. I tried to work the day after though. I thought I would brave it. It sucked, but the Vicodin helped a whole bunch. The only saving grace in the whole thing was Eddy was back.
He walked in that Monday and I actually put my hands up in clenched fists with excitement and fervor and screamed out, “Eddy...
Teeth.
My front tooth is missing.
Number 9 as the dentist calls it.
All I can think about is when John Lennon keeps saying “number 9” over and over again on the White Album.
After 23 surgeries, narcissism, constant belligerence, and plenty of pain; all inflicted by previous dental “professionals” I now have the my left, your right tooth out of my skull.
The fake one that was...
June 2010
4 posts
Eddy Day #3 & #4.
DAY 3: There are kids on second and third with two outs in the last inning we are allowed to play according to the time restraints of camp. It is 85 degrees outside the kids are all hot, tired, cranky but still VERY competitive. There is an air of frustration on the kickball field. The kids, because the need to win in a regulation game and we can’t give them that due to the scheduling of...
Eddy Day #2.
Not much to report today, except for these two wonderful excerpts:
(1.) We were on our way to the locker room to change for the pool today. Eddy was strayed out on the outskirts of the group. I ask Eddy, “Hey Eddy are you going to go swimming?” He then grabs his towel puts it on his head like a hooded cape and exclaims, “I’m Little Red Riding Hood!” I got my answer...
Eddy.
For at least the rest of this week I will be chronicling the life and times of a little boy who is attending the camp I work at.
This boy is named Eddy. Eddy, is an 8 year-old little light skinned black boy from Worcester. And is one of the most fascinating children I have ever worked with. He stands at a wiry 4’7”, has curly cropped hair cut in a flat-top-like fashion, squinty eyes...
Chapter 2.
Here’s the first chapter if you haven’t read that: http://scornedstandingup.tumblr.com/post/347566102/a-chapter-from-my-book
2.
That eye-opening experience may not have really affected my 10 year-old self back then in 1996. To be honest I’m sure either making my little league team or meeting President William Jefferson Clinton in Boston could’ve over shadowed my...
May 2010
4 posts
Oprah.
Meeting new people.
Sometimes texting them while driving.
Breaking an Oprah law.
Fuck Oprah.
She may be a nice lady, I don’t know her.
But she doesn’t like you, or your future, she just knows what sells.
She’s like a prostitute but she just makes you buy into what makes you cry or laugh or scream, instead of sex…so she’s not really like a hooker, I just wanted...
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